I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
