Got a toothbrush?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the condom got lost in my hair
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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