I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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