tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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