I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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