I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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