cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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