So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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