I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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