i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
