I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
