I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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