K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
sarcasm needs its own font
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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