you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
