I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
