I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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