My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
