How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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