Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
