Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
