Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
