When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
