I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
