Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
