it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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