Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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