Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
