So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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