Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
