dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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