i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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