Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
