I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
