Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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