I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
