I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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