god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
