***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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