so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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