He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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