Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Is it because I queefed?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
