final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
