Plan B is the new Plan A
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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