i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
