The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
