The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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