my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
