Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
soo... how was my night?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
