It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
