Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
