That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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