When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
