you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
